This is what my dopamine did to me

(Actually written on December 14,2021)

These days I can't feel anything. 

-No that would be wrong. I feel everything but cannot describe my exact feeling. 

And these nights. These winter nights are ineffable. I feel overwhelmed for no absolute reason. I cannot believe me. I kept this large secret without sharing to anyone.

I don't know if it's peace or not but just imagine standing under a sky full of stars, no setbacks, no promises, no nothing. Jumping and crying out songs with a crowd of friends and people who were standing too. There was also a large pretty moon. 

Oh and 'you' were there. We were so close that distance was a joke to us. 

Warfaze sang their legendary song "Joto durey" and we were vibing. You were high probably and I don't know what were you thinking. But I for sure know what was I thinking. 

-What are we? We don't love nor hate not even like us together, are we? 

I catch you watching me for a blink "joto durey thako robee amar e; hariyee jeyoo na kokhono tumi". Trust me I tried to look at you while singing too but boy was I afraid.

And I am. I overheard your heartbeat. Oh my god they were beating so fast. Was this because you were excited because of all the jumping and stuff or because you were with me?

My words are puzzling since then. Finally I am willingly been hugged. lol. You know where this came from? Perhaps I'll tell you later. 

These nights I think if you are right for me. Can you believe it? And I concluded that you are not right for me. I am not allowed to feel these things that I have been feeling. and I'm trying to accept this truth. People say moments before going to a serious commitment are beautiful. I second that. But on the other hand I know they can be dangerous too. We are dangerous. What are we? 

At first I thought you were like the other men in my life who plays with hearts and sentiments. I was so sure that I came pretty distant from you. But then I realize you did not let me do that. 

Among all these times you did not let me forget you. Did you? Or am I overthinking? See what you made me? I became fucking disorganized. Why you do that? Is it because you are not sure too? 

You held my hands. I tried to watch our gripping style. We were finger locked. Haha. I mean if that doesn't signify anything, why would people even do that? You are broken. I understand. Everyone is broken even I too was a while ago. I did not made any romantic move or did you misread any of my signs? Sometimes I feel like someone is punishing me for something that I unintentionally did. I had a different life that I didn't want to change. I am mooning over you but this is not right.....

ps: although I am happily together with the same guy for like a year and hoping to continue but I was wrong at time what I felt after hearing joto durey with him. That's it. Tada ! (Edit: 26 February, 2023)

ps  2: Boy oh boy was I wrong on so many levels. But I am glad that I had written down my *bakchodi* and can see and laugh at myself now XDDDD. But anyway we hear and we don't judge. Life goes on..