How to act cocky even if you are not. Ten easiest clues:

 I deleted the meme about " me staying awake for no reason" and it suddenly hit me. You ask why? As time passed by, I also wondered about this. "Why?" What made me so obvious and relevant about not sleeping and not waking up early and traditionally. What has changed and when did it happen? I stored the meme for a long time in my google drive to post and to make fun of it for later. However now I do not stay awake night after night for nothing..and it didn't happen suddenly. I do not joke around about staying awake about anymore. Because I am afraid to sleep again. I am scared of 'what ifs' and 'how abouts'. Any little and insignificant thought can dig up a large hole in my mind. All the "night monsters under bed" don't scare me anymore. I don't find it funny now to brag about not sleeping. I have not much idea about how to live one's twenties. I did not read a lot of books. So I am unaware of these things and it's what scares me most. Not knowing. Ignorance. Nowadays it haunts me. Night after night I look for things after things to just unravel the unknowns. I did not discover the beginning. My mess is what disturbs me most of the time. My sole and continuous try to untie the knots of my mind and the resulting disorders and twists bothers me. I do not know how much time I would get. I see people now and wait for their other side to become visible. I do not cry out anymore. I left crying out loud a while ago. But this is all different. There is a long difference between my thirteen years weeping and mid twenty not crying in public. I do not misunderstand things randomly and it burdens my head and heart. I look for logics and reasonings that makes me tedious. I with utter confusion try to embrace my shortcomings, my failures and all above myself to me. Life from this distance feels like a simple one way road so I start running. After some time, the whole thing seems just a mirage to me. I am afraid whether or not this "growing up transitions" would make me boring and disgusting living thing. I no longer afraid of people likes me or not. I think it's great that everything happens for a reason and every decision propels another action towards and against. I feel the confidence of talking about ideas in a room full of unknowns and bowing in proud and applause. Conversely I'm very insecure about a bench full of known face. I can not differentiate if the people I know could hurt me more or if the people I don't know. I lie now. I lie unnecessarily. I thought of counting blessings and I forgot about it. I chose reality over romance while watching movies. I count steps now every moment even though I'm tired of counting. I look at the clock seamlessly and wonder how the two hands of the clock go around and reveals a whole new perspective everyday...