Contemplating the "whos" and "whonots"

In this little insignificant life, I have seen a wide variety of people and dealt with them for various reasons. Well...not always really dealt cause sometimes it could turn a little south, sometimes it may start with a big mishappening. In these days, these terrible exhausting days, I have faced the same amount of people and to be honest, I am very tired. People are not easy. Maybe in their cases, they think the same about me. Who knows? But really. When someone respects a person or shows the minimum courtesy to a stranger at any certain moment, it is almost obvious to show the least or bare minimum to them. It does not hurt to care that minimum level I believe. I found a lot of amazing people with whom I just once met and remained mesmerized for a long time. Even a small vibe or sign of them keeps me reminding about the greatness they showed a long time ago. It's the behavior everyone remembers, they say. I am not a saint after all but I try. I always keep trying to be the best possible outcome of me.

I am a genuine train wreck now. I could not be anymore weak and exhausted and hopeless and it's even still thousands times harder to behave properly by the code of conduct I strictly followed till these days. When I was a child... No, not even that long ago. When I was even in college or even in my freshman year at my university I was a chewing gum. A chewing gum that is easy to force, manipulate can easily take any shape they are forced to be, can be straightened as anyone wants. Literally. WTF! I mean yes that is the perfect and utterly creepiest analogy I have ever coined. Even then I choose to decide others' opinions over me. What a fool?! But the point is I still did good behave with all the shitiest to the coolest persons then and decided to do until last days. But as the times passing I feel like there is an extra lair in my eye lens that lets me see the "transparent inside" of any stranger or any person I met and the programs operate that perfect version of me as a demonstration. I am not saying that I did not want it. uh-huh, that's not the case. My regret is I still choose the wrong person to behave well. I mean no. I was not programmed to waste my positive energy on your asshole face. Yeah, I was a little late to comprehend the whole thing at once. But naa-uh, better late than never.  

Growing up, I was in a strict toxic tub full of name-tagged kinship.