Very recently, I discovered I might have some significant symptoms of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). It may sound a bit cranky and may demonstrate the whole thing solely as about "not getting enough attention" disease. But I hope it's not all about that. From that very 'self-diagnosed moment' till now I am feeling scared to death. What I started to feel now is "what's next?" It's like from the very beginning, "being a little messy and disoriented, acting like crazy sometimes, excessive talking and trying to make a joke out of everything" that I considered very normal is now a WHOLE FUCKING DISORDER? what is that? another big unfunny joke? :( I really am very scared. Until these days when I was unaware, that was far better because of all the failures and things I couldn't do properly or the big tasks that I was unable to organize, or the feeling of not being able to wait to take over or interrupting constantly in a phone call that I could surely possibly ignore. Very nicely. How could I ignore those tiny little things now? I mean every time I would mess up things, there will be always a thought on top of my head that there is something that is not right in my brain. That is not properly responding to me. Or or something I did previously and impulsively THAT REALLY WAS NOT ME. (!)
I really wanted and appreciated the concept of taking care of mental health. Visiting a psychiatrist and sharing experiences with them were all the things I also wanted to do too. But I always felt funny imagining how could I possibly get started? and if I just cry in front of them only because my mom told me off what if they too judge me? These were very light and I found very sarcastic thinking. But now I can not even dare to say anything to anyone. I am presuming that my head is going to explode very soon because of all the pressure I am taking out of it. The line saying "there is no permanent cure for an ADHD patient" is just a red alarm to me. I am so shocked and feeling very down. There are so many other people who are also suffering from a lot more difficult or more dangerous disorders. Compared to them I hope it's not a biggy. Ugh! Is there a chance that I will always mess things up all along my life?!
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